The Blank Face of Depression

When I was in my 20′s I spent a lot of time trying to explain to people what depression felt like. I had been first diagnosed with it when I was 8 yrs old and by the time I got to high school, thoughts of wanting to not exist anymore had taken up residence like squatters in my brain.

It was really important to me that my close friends and family understood how miserable I felt. If I ever got brave enough to kill myself, I didn’t want them to be surprised or wondering why.

See, I had a friend who killed himself in 10th grade. It was a total shock to everyone. He was Mr Popular; everyone liked him. He had a strong family with whom he was very close. He did great in school, was in the band and loved his sax, and volunteered with the Boys Scouts. And then one day, he was just gone.

Losing a friend, especially in that way, is awful. But eventually you get over the grief of it. What I haven’t gotten over, even to this day, is the unending question  of WHY.  It feels like I’ll never truly be able to put his death behind me because I’ll never be able to get that question answered.

And I never wanted to do that to my loved ones. So I was going to make sure they knew why. That, to the best ability of someone who’s never experienced depression, they could understand why ending my life was considered a better option than sticking around this life.

I found a book that I thought really explained it well. It’s called Undercurrents: A Life Beneath the Surface by Martha Manning. I asked my parents to read it. My dad started it but eventually stopped saying it “was too depressing.” Go figure.

Although I’ve been mostly free of the beast that is depression for 13 yrs now, I just found a blog post at Hyperbole and a Half that does an AMAZING job of explaining it.

It isn’t always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn’t even something — it’s nothing. And you can’t combat nothing. You can’t fill it up. You can’t cover it. It’s just there, pulling the meaning out of everything. That being the case, all the hopeful, proactive solutions start to sound completely insane in contrast to the scope of the problem.

Amen, sister. But even more poignant and, to me, meaningful, is her explanation of feeling suicidal.  It’s long, I can’t do it justice here, but it starts:

I somehow managed to convince myself that everything was still under my control right up until I noticed myself wishing that nothing loved me so I wouldn’t feel obligated to keep existing.

Because it’s not about wanting to kill yourself at first, it’s really just about wanting everything to stop. Get off the merry-go-round. The biggest problem for me was trying to decide how to make that happen for myself without leaving my friends and family needing therapy for the rest of their lives. That would hardly be fair.

I encourage you to take 15 minutes and read her blog. It’s very well done. Depression Part Two

Wherefore art thou Vitamin D?

Last week I had my annual exam. They’ve begun testing Vitamin D levels because there are studies that suggest that low Vit D levels indicate the potential for problems associated with osteoporosis.

According to the Mayo Clinic:

The major biologic function of vitamin D is to maintain normal blood levels of calcium and phosphorus. Vitamin D aids in the absorption of calcium, helping to form and maintain strong bones. It is used, alone or in combination with calcium, to increase bone mineral density and decrease fractures. Recently, research also suggests that vitamin D may provide protection from osteoporosis, hypertension (high blood pressure), cancer, and several autoimmune diseases.

Digging a little further into the studies that have been done on Vit D deficiency, some other potential problem areas include mood disorders:

Some studies suggest an association between low vitamin D levels in the blood and various mood disorders, including depression, seasonal affective disorder (SAD), and premenstrual syndrome. Also vitamin D supplementation may improve symptoms of depression associated with seasonal affective disorder.

According to my doctor, the healthy range for Vitamin D levels are between 30 – 100. Mine came in at a whopping 10. So I think I can safely say I’m Vit D deficient. They have me taking 2,000 units of Vit D daily as a supplement. I’m anxious to see if anything improves in my mood.

Bloglovin

If you read multiple blogs, you probably use some type of subscription service to help you keep track of all the new posts. To make it easier for you to find Diary of a Midlife Crisis, we are now listed with Bloglovin!

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Click that link (or pic), and the site will walk you through the rest. I’m still in the process of converting all of my blogs over, but it’s super easy. You can even categorize your links, so if you want to read all of your, say, nail polish blogs but none of your home design blogs, you can do that. I was using Google Reader, but those geniuses decided to cancel the service this summer. Bloglovin’s where I landed.

Accountability, party of none

Hello Followers (if there are any of you left after my long absences).

My brain has been working overtime trying to process a lot of shit lately. I’ve been trying to write a post about each thing that keeps the monkeys spinning, but since nothing has yet resolved, I have no ending to the posts yet.

But this story has got my ire up, and I felt compelled to write. To you, to the public at large, to the world.

I just came across this article on Buzzfeed:

Outrage Erupts Online Over 17-Year-Old Girl’s Suicide After Her Rape Goes Viral

Rehtaeh Parsons

According to the article, Rehtaeh, 17 yrs old, hung herself because of the bullying, tormenting, and teasing she received after being gang raped by 4 classmates 2 yrs ago. One of the boys involved actually took pictures and distributed them to everyone in her school. And the people who received the pictures thought it was appropriate to start calling her a whore and a slut and asking her to sleep with them.

The boys were never charged due to insufficient evidence.

Where do I begin?

I think – I hope – we can all agree that the 4 boys were complete assholes for the rape in the first place. You want to argue it was consensual? She was 15 years old! I don’t know the laws in Canada, but here in the States that’s statutory rape at the very least.  And there were PICTURES of it, so how can there be a lack of evidence??

Second, what asshole takes pictures of a girl while she’s being raped and decides it’s a cool idea to let everyone she knows see it? Disgusting to the Nth degree.

But what REALLY pisses me off about this, is the way her “friends” responded. Not with sympathy, outrage, or disgust, but by chastising HER.  She’s the victim here, and somehow it’s OK to tease her about what happened??

Where the hell are the parents of these kids? Not just the boys who did this, but all of the friends who participated in the subsequent events.  Who never taught their children about being compassionate. About what to do when they see a crime being committed. How can the girls of this school not feel sorry for her, but participate in the public flaying?

These kids are SICK – every single one of them!  There is an important component of their brains that is not functioning. I don’t care that they are all teenagers and that their brains are not fully developed. One of the earliest signs that someone will grow up to abuse people is if they abuse or otherwise torture animals or toys when they are kids. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that these kids have essentially tortured this poor girl TO DEATH, so what does that say about their future? What does that say about the future of this community, or the communities they move to as they get older?

I’ll tell you what it says.  It says We’re Fucked.  Because these kids don’t give 2 shits about their classmates, their friends, a fellow human being who has been victimized in one of the worst possible ways.  If they haven’t learned the basic human quality of empathy by now, who is going to step up to the plate and teach them? Is it POSSIBLE to teach empathy? Lack of empathy is one of the key indicators of psychopathy! Have they raised an entire generation of psychopaths in this town??

Groupthink, yeah, yeah, but NO ONE stood up for this girl???

And where the hell are the parents, who allowed their kids to participate in these disgusting behaviors???

Where’s the accountability of ANYONE??

My heart breaks for Rehtaeh and her family.  My blood BOILS for the rest of the town.  They have all failed this child, in the worst possible way.

S.A.D. State of Affairs

‘Tis the season to be jolly, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Bah humbug.

As the rest of the world is preparing for the happy, merry, jolly holiday season, up to 10% of the population is slowly sliding into a major depressive episode. It’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), and it makes the late fall and early winter months miserable for those unfortunate enough to suffer from it.

I am one of those people. The cloud seeps into my brain as the days get shorter. By the time we revert to Standard Time, I am fully engulfed. My energy levels are non-existent, as is my appetite and motivation. My desire for sleep in unending. Tears hover, waiting to tumble from my eyes for no reason at all.

It fucking sucks.

When I was younger, I would force myself to participate. I’d buy presents for everyone I could think of, and send holiday cards to over 250 people. I’d decorate my tree, my house, my office, my car, myself. The world said it was time to be cheery, so dammit I’d be cheery.

Now, I just don’t give a damn. I no longer celebrate the season. No more decorating. No more holiday cards (although I do still beat myself up about this one). No more forced cheer. I’m miserable all season, and I’m not going to pretend anymore.

Which doesn’t mean I’m trying to spread gloom everywhere. I’m just trying to keep my head above water, so I apologize if I seem a little distracted. I try to keep  my misery to myself. I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. I just want to ignore the holidays, increase my meds, and take a very long nap. Hibernate.

I do wish my friends a very Merry Christmas and  Happy New Year.  I hope my friends are enjoying the season and all the festivities. I just hope it’s all over soon.