I need to come with a warning label: TRAIN WRECK AHEAD.
I like to think I’m a very independent and confident person. And I think that most of my friends would probably use one of those words to describe me most of the time.
However, for as independent as I think I am and as confident as I want everyone else to think I am, there’s one thing that ALWAYS sends me into a tailspin: guys. Whether I’m in a relationship, have just met someone and am a little interested, somewhere along that relationship continuum…when it comes to me and guys that I give a shit about, I become a completely different person. The worst part? I HATE the person that I morph into.
Let’s say I meet someone who I think I may be interested in. Right away, my thoughts become obsessive. I can’t stop thinking about him, wondering what he’s doing…Is he thinking about me? When can I see him again? I can’t wait to talk to him again, etc, etc, etc… If I manage to hide these obsessive thoughts well enough for that initial meeting to evolve into a relationship, I become the neediest, most jealous, most annoying person on the planet. I put everything in my life on hold in order to spend time with him, doing whatever it is that he wants to do. Nothing that was important to me before matters anymore. I don’t want to be without him for one minute. Any reference to another female on his part (unless she’s his sister or mother) causes a million little green-eyed monsters to twist their way through my stomach.
I know, I know. By giving up everything I valued before meeting him, I’m essentially changing the person he became interested in. The things that made me interesting or unique are gone. No one, no matter how egotistical, wants someone whose only interest in life is them. That’s just…creepy. It’s suffocating, oppressive, pathetic, vile…the list could go on. I know all this. The person I become is not the person that anyone would want to be in a relationship with. I know this too. But knowing this doesn’t stop it from happening, every single time.
I’ve had people tell me that I need to find the person who doesn’t bring out all these negative feelings, because the right person will give me no reason to feel jealous or insecure. Unfortunately, all of these feelings start before I’ve ever figured out whether they’re needed or not. I can feel them start, but I’ve yet been able to turn them off or effectively tell them to shut the hell up for a change.
I’ve also had numerous guys tell me that they’ll be the ones to prove to me that not all men are worthy of such insecurity, that they’re not all bad, that THEY can be trusted not to break my heart or add to my growing list of disappointments. And then what happens? Same thing that always does; they lie to me, they get caught in said lie, they break my heart and they add to the growing list of guys who have disappointed me. It’s like those girls who always go after the bad boy with big dreams of taming him, except I have these asshole guys promising to prove me wrong, only to prove me right in the end.
I’ve talked about all of this with my therapist. She suggested I practice. Practice dating. That the more positive experiences I have the less I’ll feel insecure, hence calming the obsessive thoughts at the beginning and allowing me to be myself during the relationship. And that if I allow myself to BE myself, I’ll have less reason to feel jealous and clingy too.
So, apparently I have some interesting homework. Homework that scares me out of my mind. I’m not sure I’m ready for it. In the meantime, I’m trying everything to distract me from my ruminations…